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Love, Free as Air	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 32706 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I am not making any money from this story.

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Chapter
Nineteen�Decision Time

�� Harry
sometimes thought that he�d never known less about what he was doing than he
did right now.

�� Severus and
Draco were both walking softly around him, talking of neutral topics when they
had to and devoting the rest of their attention to their food or books or
potions. Harry wondered if they would be happiest if he simply flew through the
wards and never came back. Draco apparently hadn�t expected Harry to stick up
for himself, and Severus seemed to have thought that the advice about Harry
losing his temper would only apply to Draco.

�� Doubts came
and danced up and down in Harry�s mind when he was lying in bed the evening
after his confrontation with Severus.

�� I should have been kinder. I should have
said things more politely. I should have backed off and started talking about
something else when I saw that he was uncomfortable.

�� He went to
sleep in keen regret and woke up expecting severe words at breakfast that
morning. If he could see that he was
in the wrong, then surely Severus and Draco had to be able to see it as well.

�� But that
was the first of the meals where Severus and Draco didn�t talk about anything
unnecessary, and when Harry glanced up because he�d felt Severus�s eyes on him,
it was to see Severus looking hastily away.

�� He waited,
but no one told him that he was wrong the next day, or the day after that. So
the conclusion slowly formed in Harry�s mind, coming together like water
solidifying into ice, that perhaps he hadn�t been wrong.

�� Careful, he told himself. You could be getting drunk with power just
because no one will contradict you. And that might mean that you hurt them, or
demand sacrifices from them that they aren�t ready to make.

�� Yes,
perhaps it meant that, but Harry also remembered what Severus had said about
his martyr complex and need for guilt. He would have to trust Draco and Severus
to stand up for themselves�something Severus had experience in and Harry
thought Draco was learning again�and let him know when he had gone too far.

�� That was,
frankly, terrifying. Harry wanted to help people. He didn�t want to hurt them.
Those two principles had been the guiding tenets of his life ever since he had
quit the Auror program. He itched to help Draco and Severus make their
decisions.

�� So that�s your trial, the thing that you
need to learn how to live with no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. Hold
back and let them take a few steps on their own, without you hovering at their
sides to help.

�� Harry ached
with anticipated guilt and longing and remorse, but he bit his tongue and held
his peace.

*

�� Draco could
no longer pretend, even to himself, that he was reading all the books that
Potter had brought from his house with the same enjoyment and lack of
discrimination. He was, in fact, reading more and more in potions. He might
pick up a book on law and history, but he found himself thinking of equations
and recipes in the middle of dry passages. Two minutes later, the law or
history book was back on the pile or the shelf and he had a potions book in his
hand.

�� He was
cutting down the field. He was narrowing his interests and choosing what he
should focus on. He was admitting that not everything interested him and that he
would be the kind of Potions master that Severus had always professed to see in
him.

�� He was making a decision.

�� The first
time that he realized that, Draco banged the book he held down on his knees and
glared at the wall for half an hour. It was less resentment against himself�the
process had happened so naturally that he couldn�t accuse himself of listening
to other people�than resentment against the fact that Potter had been right.

�� Potter
walked through the room just then. Draco turned his head and narrowed his eyes
at him, to see if he would smirk.

�� Potter
glanced at him and looked hastily away. He muttered something and sped up. When
he went into the gardens, Draco counted three heartbeats under his breath, then
stood up and strolled to the window. He knew how long it usually took for
Potter to get beyond the confining bushes immediately around the door into the
gardens and then change shape. He should see him rising�

�� Yes. There.
Potter�s wings beat lazily once, and then he was aloft and hurtling into the
branches of the oak with an air of injured dignity. Perhaps he assumed Draco
was plotting against him.

�� Draco shook
his head, lips tight. The uneasy truce between him and Potter sometimes
smoldered with what Draco thought was an edge of passion, and sometimes burned
in cold anger, and sometimes seemed not to exist, as if they could live in the
same house and ignore each other. It had to change.

�� And that
was another decision.

�� Draco
turned and slapped the wall open-palmed. The book did bang to the floor this
time, and Draco hastily stooped and retrieved it. No matter how much Potter
annoyed him, he couldn�t justify taking out the anger on helpless books.

�� Is
something the matter, Draco?� Severus asked from behind him, voice as poised and
calm as if he came into the drawing room to find Draco doing this every day.

�� Draco
hissed and checked to make sure that neither the cover nor the front pages of
the book were bent before he answered. �No,� he said. �Not�as such. I just
realized that I have to do something about Potter.� He turned around and lifted
his eyes to Severus�s face, not sure what he would encounter there. �I made a
choice. As he said I would.�

�� Severus
granted him a quick smile, so swift a shadow that Draco knew many people who
would say it had not been there at all. Potter, Weasley, Weasley�s idiotic twin
brothers, Granger�

�� Well, no, Draco had to concede, thinking
of the way Granger had worked back and forth in front of the Wizengamot, hands
weaving the skein that her voice took up. I
reckon she would see it and understand it.

�� Think of
it as a victory for yourself, something that may settle the course of your
studies and your days,� Severus advised him. �It is what I most often do when
Harry annoys me. What changes he causes are for me, not for him, even if they
are because of him. Change the nature of the relationship between effect and
cause, and you may accept the benefit while ignoring the cost�at least in
humiliation.�

�� Draco
nodded. �I have to speak to him. This can�t go on. I need him to be�� He
floundered a bit at that. You couldn�t really ask someone to be less right than
he was. �Less righteous,� he said at last.

�� Mention
your decisions,� Severus said. �Delight may overwhelm him and lessen the annoyance
of his manner.�

�� If he
wasn�t annoying, he wouldn�t be Harry,� Draco said. He touched the back of his
mouth with his tongue after he spoke the name, to see if it had carved a bloody
channel along his palate as it flew. Not yet.

�� Then
accept the deficiencies of his manner,� Severus said, in a tone that suggested
he was growing bored with the conversation, and started to turn away.

�� Draco took
a deep breath and said something that felt incredibly daring to him, though,
now that he thought of it, there was no reason it should have. �I want you with
me when I speak to him.�

�� Severus
turned around, the shadow of a frown in his eyes.

�� Draco
explained hastily, glancing out the window into the gardens to make sure that
Harry hadn�t come back yet. It would be awkward if he walked into a
conversation discussing how to deal with him, rather than a conversation about
him, which might only be a coincidence. �Whenever I speak to him, these barriers come up. All I can remember is
that he was pushing me. Now that I�ve come to a few decisions, that shouldn�t
matter as much, but I�m afraid it will. With you there, we can speak about
other things.�

�� Severus
compressed his lips. �I may not be as good an ally as you think me. I have my
own reasons to fear that my tongue will stop around Harry.� Draco nodded
encouragingly, and Severus went on a few moments later, though with continual
glances into the garden. �He offered to help me gain my freedom back. He did
not seem to understand my objections, or rather he overrode them and challenged
me to override them.�

�� That�s
what he did to me!� Draco exclaimed. �At least, we share the same experience.
Maybe this time, we can prevent him from doing the same thing.�

�� Admitting
that he was right, that you must make decisions eventually, is not the same
thing as admitting that he was right about my releasing him from the
Unbreakable Vow so that my case might go to trial,� Severus said in a low,
agitated voice, and eased backwards, in the direction of the lab.

�� I know,�
Draco said. He tried not to sound too much like he was soothing Severus. He had
responded badly to that in the past. �But I didn�t want to make decisions, and
he acted as if I should. He acted the same way about a possible trial for you,
didn�t he?�

�� Severus
nodded slowly, still looking as if he would prefer to escape. But Draco had
learned that he couldn�t hide, and he had begun to think it might do Severus
good to come out into the open, too.

�� As much in the open as this cottage and a
conversation with sympathetic people is, anyway.

�� I want him
to know that I apologize for some of
what I said,� Draco said. �Not the whole thing. But that�s the difficulty with
him. You start talking, and he interrupts with this reasonable little peroration,
and you get distracted and start arguing about side issues. I need someone who
can help me keep focused on the main topic, so that he doesn�t win.�

�� As he had
thought would happen, that last word caught Severus�s attention. He raised his
eyebrows and leaned forwards. �Do you see your conversations with him as a
battle?�

�� They have
been so far,� Draco admitted. He caught a glimpse of grey in the gardens and
watched Harry swooping in his parrot form around trunks and through gracefully
hanging branches. �And to think I thought I would have nice, pleasant little
meditations in his presence that a dumb animal couldn�t respond to,� he
muttered.

�� Severus�s
laughter broke on him like a mountain waterfall. Draco smiled and turned to
him. �Will you help me confront him?� He made sure to keep his voice lighter
this time, so Severus would read it more as a question than a demand.

�� Severus�s
face went unreadable again. After a few moments when he might also have been
watching Harry in his parrot form, he nodded. �Yes. I am eager to hear what he
has to say, in the presence of both of us at once.�

*

�� Harry knew
something was wrong the moment he stepped into the house. Or different, at
least. Both Severus and Draco were in the drawing room, nothing unusual, but
neither had a book spread open on his lap or the aloof expressions that they
wore when he interrupted a private discussion about potions. They stared at
him, instead, and seemed intent on counting the number of grass blades he�d got
in his hair. Self-consciously, Harry reached up to pick them free.

�� We wanted
to talk to you,� Draco said. He couldn�t have hit the word we harder if he�d had a hammer. It practically vibrated in the
close confines of the cottage.

�� Harry
nodded and turned to Severus. The expression on his face was intense, but Harry
had expected that. He hadn�t expected the way Severus clasped his knees or the
gleam in the back of his eyes. He might have been hunting prey. Prey with black
hair and green eyes, Harry surmised, and a recent infusion of feathers.

�� All
right,� Harry said, and tried to sound casual and as if he wasn�t betraying
discomfort. What reason did he have to feel discomfort? They hadn�t attacked
him, and he thought they would approach kicking him out in a different way. He
took the only seat left, on the couch next to Severus�the chairs that usually
stood along the walls had been cleared�and tried to look polite and attentive.

�� Severus�s
hand settled on his knee. Harry jumped. He had grown used to the rare times
that Severus touched him, but it had never happened in front of Draco, and
unconsciously Harry had assumed it wouldn�t. Until the moment when they were
all ready to take to the bed, at least. If that ever happened.

�� I made a
decision today,� Draco announced. He sounded as if he�d found the Philosopher�s
Stone.

�� Grateful
for a declaration that could get his mind off Severus�s hand on his knee, Harry
faced Draco and smiled. �Wonderful! What about?� He thought he knew, from the
amount of time Draco was spending with Potions books, but he wouldn�t have
stolen Draco�s thunder for worlds.

�� I want my
career to be in potions,� Draco said. No
surprise there, Harry thought, but he nodded and smiled more broadly, and
Draco relaxed. �Severus will help me study for a mastery. The most exclusive
exams are given on the Continent, in wizarding communities who won�t care about
my past or what the Wizengamot may have said. Of course, my freedom will be an
asset should I want to sell potions in England. I haven�t decided on that yet,
though. I may ultimately live in France.� He had begun to stroke his knee while
he spoke, brows lowered and voice soft as though he was talking to himself.

�� Harry
nodded, and swallowed his protests. If Draco chose to leave them and make his
own way in the world, neither Harry nor Severus should stand in his way. Of all
of them, he probably needed the independence most.

�� I made
another decision,� Draco said. Harry looked up. �I�m tired of dancing around
you and acting as though I�m not conscious of the differences and unvoiced
arguments between us. I want it to change. We�re going to talk, and I�m not letting you out of this room until we�ve come to
some comfortable arrangement.�

�� That was
more than Harry had hoped for. He swallowed for a different reason this time
and said, �Thank you, Draco. What do you want to talk about first?�

�� Draco and
Severus exchanged a swift glance, which Harry thought he might not have noticed
if he hadn�t been so attuned to both of them now. Severus started to open his
mouth, but closed it at a twitch from Draco. He was the one who turned
majestically back to Harry and said, �I want you to know that I still won�t
like you pressuring me and offering suggestions.�

�� I wouldn�t
presume to, now,� Harry said, and smiled at him. �You know I don�t know
anything about potions.�

�� He had
thought Draco would laugh. He clenched his fists instead and said, �But I want
you involved in my life. We have to decide how to do that without you driving
me into a corner. You can make me promises, but promises can be broken. I want
to know, now: What do you want from
me?�

�� Harry
flushed. He didn�t think telling them the contents of his last two wet dreams
would help matters much. He looked sideways at Severus, wondering what place he
had in this, but Severus remained grave and still.

�� Well, I�ll be honest, even if no one else
can be. �I want to sleep with you,� Harry said aloud. �I want to tell you
secrets and hear your secrets in return. I want to share a house with you
without feeling as if I�m walking on knives. I want to talk with you and know
that you respect my intelligence, even if I never learn anything about potions.
I want your concern when I go off on my jobs, but not concern stifling enough
to hold me back. I want to free your mother if I can, and meet any of your
friends you want to become reacquainted with, and have you get along with my
friends as best you can.�

�� I think
that sounds reasonable,� Severus said, and Harry jumped again. He had assumed,
without thinking about it, that Severus�s only participation in this discussion
would come from his glances with Draco.

�� Reasonable,�
Draco echoed in an ambiguous voice that could have meant either agreement or
disagreement. �Perhaps. But how are we to achieve that without putting too much
pressure on each other?�

�� Harry
shrugged. �We�ll have to disagree some of the time and risk putting pressure on
each other some of the time. I don�t have a problem forgiving you if you make a
mistake.� From Draco�s narrowed eyes, he didn�t think that was the primary
problem facing them. Harry smiled sweetly back at him and continued. �And if
you tell me when I do something wrong, then I can apologize and correct it.�

�� I would
prefer it if those mistakes never happened at all,� Draco said, all stiff voice
and shoulders.

�� Well, so
would I, for that matter,� Harry said, a bit annoyed now. He let the annoyance
creep into his voice where he would ordinarily have tried to keep it out,
remembering what Severus had said about showing his anger. �But it�s not
possible. What we have to do is make
compromises and not drive each other away because we�re so horrified about the
mistakes.�

�� Draco
folded his arms. �I was under the impression that you were the one who found mistakes unacceptable.�

�� I find
silence unacceptable,� Harry said. �Running away. Turning your head to the side
so that you can pretend not to look when the other person enters the room.
Pretending that nothing is wrong when you have everything under the sun to
settle.�

�� Draco
bristled. �I wasn�t doing that.�

�� Not at
first,� Harry said, and left him to figure out the obvious rejoinder to that.

�� Draco�s
fingers clawed into his knees. Severus leaned forwards, reaching out one hand
as if to soothe Draco�s distress. He kept the hand on Harry�s knee in place,
and Harry had the oddest sensation that Severus was becoming the bridge between
them, the only link holding them together at the moment. �Are all mistakes
unforgivable?� Severus murmured.

�� Draco froze,
and then glared. The glare had more force than before, but Harry somehow felt
certain that the dangerous moment was past. �I wasn�t about to leave,� he said. �I object to the way he
characterized me.�

�� Then I
apologize,� Harry said. �But I wish you would talk to me about it, and not only
to Severus. I know that you�re closer to each other than you are to me. That�s
inevitable, when you spent years here. But try not to talk across me and act as
though I can�t hear you.�

�� Draco
watched him out of the corner of his eye. �I don�t know how to talk to you,� he
said.

�� Open your
mouth and move your tongue against your teeth,� Harry said. �It forms these
things called sounds, and we people
who speak English put the sounds together into things called words. From there��

�� Git,�
Draco said, but he sounded less upset than Harry would have thought he�d be,
given the nature of Harry�s teasing. �I mean that I don�t know what we have in
common. And�� A moment of struggle. His lower lip was caught between his teeth
and his neck corded with frustration, his fingers digging into his palms as
though he would claw skin from them. Harry cocked his head to the side and
waited. He didn�t think a word from him could hasten the outcome of the
struggle, and it might damage it.

�� I owe you
too much!� Draco burst out. �You�re too good,
and you adopted me and helped me when you didn�t have to. I owe my freedom to
you and your friends, and there�s no way to make up for that. You still agreed
to leave your home and try to live with me, and you�ve only been angry in the
last few days. I don�t know how to answer
that!�

*

�� Severus
felt as though someone had taken the tension in him, turned it to smoke, and
breathed it out. After all, his tension had been mostly a reflection of Draco�s.

�� Ah. Now we come to the heart of it.

�� He had
thought that Draco was irritated by Harry�s saint-like demeanor, as Severus
himself sometimes was. But it ran deeper than that. Draco thought some of the
saint-like behavior was real, since he had benefited from it, and he hated
owing debts. Of course that would make it difficult for him to talk to Harry,
while the knowledge of the debts hung between them and Harry appeared
unconscious of it.

�� We haven�t
even discussed the life-debts from the war,� Draco was saying in a bitter tone
laced with relief. He stroked his knee, then formed his hand into a fist and
drummed it on his kneecap instead. Severus flexed his stretched fingers against
Draco�s wrist. Draco nodded in acknowledgment, but didn�t take his eyes from
Harry. �I don�t know how to pay them all back.�

�� Harry
blinked at him, then said, �Would it help if we decided that little by little?
This one action pays for that one, and this action pays for another. Would that
help?�

�� Severus
stared. Does he really believe that? Does
he plan to simply sit back and accept the gifts that Draco would give him to be
free of those obligations?

�� But he saw
the way that Harry�s eyes, fastened on Draco, steadily shone, and he doubted
it. Harry would go along with the notion of paying back the debts because that
was what Draco needed. In reality, they would be braiding their lives together
as they labored at repayment. By the time that Draco found himself free of
obligations, he would probably need Harry in other ways and be unwilling to
renounce him.

�� Harry would
have what he wanted, while being gracious enough to allow Draco at least the appearance of what he wanted instead.

�� Severus
shut his eyes. He felt as though he had turned a book in a page and found the
recipe for the Philosopher�s Stone facing him.

�� He had not
wanted to let Harry fight for him before the Wizengamot for many reasons, but
not the least important was the fact that he would then owe Harry a debt. The
notion made him irritable for the same reasons it did Draco. How in the world
could he pay the debt back? It would give Harry power over him. More, worse, it
was the kind of power that could not be given away or changed. It was the kind
of power�of obligation�that Albus had wielded. Severus had always despised
that.

�� But this
offered him an out. Whether Harry thought of it the same way or not, he would
not use the power the same way Albus had. Albus would have wanted Draco to face
the fact that there were some debts that one could simply never pay back,
because of their nature. Harry was willing to pretend otherwise, for Draco�s
sake. He valued comfort and what others needed more than honesty.

�� Severus
thought of himself the same way, though the only comfort he had been willing to
pay attention to for several years was his own.

�� When Draco
nodded grudging acceptance of Harry�s plan, he might have nodded for Severus as
well. Harry�s happy smile included both of them.

�� I will speak to him about possibly going up
before the Wizengamot tomorrow.

*

�� Oscillum:
This may be the chapter where Severus starts to admit that he really does need
Harry.

�� Shadow
Lily: It looks like Severus has come to that decision, doesn�t it?

�� lryn: In
any other situation, I don�t think that Severus would have fallen for it. But
he�s been isolated, as you note, and he was trying to hide from the subject mentally
even as they spoke about it, which doesn�t say much about his mental control at
the moment.

�� Rosalie
Ayers: Thank you! I think you�ll like the next chapter even more than this one.

�� Eve: Harry
agrees with you. He would, at the very least, like to speak his mind without
getting immediate arguments; he would like some sense that they�re listening to
him. But it�s heading in that direction now.

�� nitesfool: Thank
you! It does end up in a sexual relationship, though, so be aware.

�� RiverWhispers:
Thank you! Glad you like it, too.
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Love, Free as Air