100 Ways to Kill a Weasley
folder
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female › Snape/Hermione
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
93
Views:
42,253
Reviews:
236
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female › Snape/Hermione
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
93
Views:
42,253
Reviews:
236
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Death to Won Won
This plot bunny hit me like a mac truck and I just couldn’t help myself.
DEATH TO WON WON
“C’mon Hermione get a move on. We need to get good seats!” Ginny urged, “Your lipstick is fine.”
Hermione pouted into the mirror inspecting her handiwork and ran her fingers through her hair. Nothing she did with it seem to look just right.
“Your hair’s fine too, now c’mon,” she whined.
Hermione rolled her eyes and grabbed her beaded bag; there wasn’t anything more she could do to put off the inevitable. Ginny had bought their tickets the first day they were available, and had been gushing ever since. She supposed it wasn’t everyday the Cockatrice’s All Wizard Review came into town, but frankly she had her own well endowed wizard warm and waiting back in their chambers. Giving her reflection another glance she scowled darkly at it. Nobody ever looked good in a club’s fluorescent lighting.
Once outside the bathroom Hermione was positively floored by how packed the club was. Witches of all sizes, shapes, and age groups milled about, cocktails in hand, their eyes hungry for some Grade A Prime Wizard Meat. Now she realized why Ginny had insisted they get there over an hour early.
The read headed Weaslette was a head in the crowd and Hermione had to push her way forward through some very irate looking women. “Hags!” she hissed while they were in earshot.
Ginny had nabbed two seats a row back from the center of the long jutting out catwalk. Hermione was suitably impressed and she didn’t put it past her firecracker friend to brawling to secure them. The girls exchanged excited grins.
“Oh shit, is that Hooch! I didn’t even think she liked wizards,” Ginny pointed to an eager looking witch across the room. Hooch’s companion turned around and the girls gasped.
“No way! Sprout!”
“And check out what she’s wearing. Ew, that’s so wrong,” Ginny remarked cattily.
ANNOUNCER: Yo! Yo! Yo! WHERE MY WITCHES AT!!!!
Hermione plugged her ears as the whole club erupted in mass hysteric screaming. She briefly considered a personal silencing spell if she wanted to leave hearing intact.
ANNOUNCER: Alright Ladies we’re going to bring the wizards out in just a few minutes, but fist a few ground rules. Wands away. Any witch seen brandishing a wand not firmly attached to one of our hot muscular wizards will be ejected. No photography permitted. And Ladies remember no rushing the stage. Now are you ready for the finest specimens of wizarding flesh to dance for you? THEN MAKE SOME NOISE!
Again Hermione stuck her fingers in her ears as Ginny screamed wildly along with every randy witch in the house as the dance floor blew up in enchanted purple sparks.
A driving techno beat added itself to the cacophony.
‘I’m bringing sexy back . . . them other boys . . .’
Suddenly a line of twenty five scantily clad wizards of every description appeared on stage. Not a single witch remained seated as the built wizards pumped, gyrated, and shimmied in time to the music. Hermione’s breath was taken away and for once appreciated her friend for dragging her to the show.
‘ . . . Dirty babe . . . You see these shackles? Baby I’m your slave! . . . ‘
Lost in the crowd of screaming witches Hermione giggled to herself. ‘Imagine shackling him up… that thought has merit,’ she contemplated with a sly grin.
“Look at that one!” Ginny screamed in her ear while pointing to a very well-defined wizard smoothly writhing about.
“Eh, I’ve had bigger,” she responded nonchalantly.
“Oh?” Ginny looked surprised. Hermione never offered any details. “Do tell girl!”
But a glance at her face told Ginny that she wouldn’t give up her secrets so easily. Ginny motioned for a scurrying nearly-trampled house elf and ordered drinks for the two of them.
‘ . . . Get your sexy on . . . ‘
It took awhile for the drinks to arrive and when they did Hermione eyed her mischievous friend warily.
“What’s this?” she screamed over the floor set of a wizard who appeared to have dancing pectorals and other lovely attributes.
“You need to shut down that brain of yours. It’s called a Zombie.”
“And what you’re drinking?”
Ginny smiled broadly, “Red-headed Slut of course!”
Back stage a nervous Ron Weasley was trying to control his breathing. He always got the jitters just before a show, but this one happened to be in his own hometown. He hoped none of his Mum’s upstanding friends had a taste for these shows or else he’d positively die of embarrassment. Molly and everyone back at the Burrow thought he was touring with the Kestrels.
Turning to another dancer he asked, “Oi Mate, can I borrow some more of your oil?”
Breathing slowly Ron proceeded to re-lube his already glistening body to calm his frayed nerves. As the clock quickly ran out Ron selected a powder blue thong. His Mum had always encouraged him to wear colors that complimented his baby blue eyes.
Mock collar, white bow tie, and mock cuffs nearly completed the transformation.
The stage manager growled his set was up and Ron grabbed his white satin top hat.
ANNOUNCER: Big round of applause for Desmond. You liked his Beater’s bat didn’t you?
-Mass hysteric screaming-
ANNOUNCER: Alright my lovely witches, turn your attention to the center stage . . .
Hermione’s wide eyes drank in the muscular clenching ass cheeks.
“I’d take that one home,” she shouted.
Ginny gave her inebriated friend a sidelong glance. “You can have him, I don’t do red-heads.”
“Yeah just blonds,” she teased.
ANNOUNCER: . . .We proudly present for your viewing pleasure a decorated war veteran and Quiddich professional. I GIVE YOU WON WON!
‘ . . . I’m a model you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk . . . ‘
Ron spun quickly on the slick black surface and was instantly thankful the stage lights obscured most of the screaming banshees in the audience.
“No way!”
“Holy shit. . . That’s not . . .” Hermione giggled watching Won Won gyrate in a tiny blue banana hammock. “If he had danced like that for me, I’d never have dumped him!” a lit-up Hermione squealed to a shocked and silent Ginny.
Ron pranced up the catwalk, thrusting, dancing and pumping his muscles in time to music.
“Is that Millie Bulstrode he’s grinding into?”
“Yeah,” Ginny replied almost too quietly to hear.
‘ . . . On the catwalk on the catwalk yeah, I shake my little touche on the catwalk . . . ‘
“I can’t believe I’m watching my brother smack his dick into Marietta Edgecomb’s face,” Ginny said sullenly.
“Ooh! Let’s go up to the stage, I bet Ron would let me pinch his delicious ass for old time’s sake!”
“Have you lost your ever-lovin’ mind!” Ginny screamed, but Hermione was already at the catwalk.
‘ . . . I’m too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat . . . Poor pussy poor pussy cat . . . ‘
“RON!” a jumping Hermione screamed.
“MIONE?”
As her name passed his lips a gasping panicked Ron lost his bearing. One over-greased foot slid off the slick catwalk surface and the rest of him came tumbling over the stage.
“Oh Ron!” Hermione cried while gingerly cradling his bleeding head.
ANNOUNCER: WIZARD DOWN. I REPEAT – WIZARD DOWN. WON WON HAS PULLED A LONGBOTTOM!
*
Thanks M\'dears! A.V.
DEATH TO WON WON
“C’mon Hermione get a move on. We need to get good seats!” Ginny urged, “Your lipstick is fine.”
Hermione pouted into the mirror inspecting her handiwork and ran her fingers through her hair. Nothing she did with it seem to look just right.
“Your hair’s fine too, now c’mon,” she whined.
Hermione rolled her eyes and grabbed her beaded bag; there wasn’t anything more she could do to put off the inevitable. Ginny had bought their tickets the first day they were available, and had been gushing ever since. She supposed it wasn’t everyday the Cockatrice’s All Wizard Review came into town, but frankly she had her own well endowed wizard warm and waiting back in their chambers. Giving her reflection another glance she scowled darkly at it. Nobody ever looked good in a club’s fluorescent lighting.
Once outside the bathroom Hermione was positively floored by how packed the club was. Witches of all sizes, shapes, and age groups milled about, cocktails in hand, their eyes hungry for some Grade A Prime Wizard Meat. Now she realized why Ginny had insisted they get there over an hour early.
The read headed Weaslette was a head in the crowd and Hermione had to push her way forward through some very irate looking women. “Hags!” she hissed while they were in earshot.
Ginny had nabbed two seats a row back from the center of the long jutting out catwalk. Hermione was suitably impressed and she didn’t put it past her firecracker friend to brawling to secure them. The girls exchanged excited grins.
“Oh shit, is that Hooch! I didn’t even think she liked wizards,” Ginny pointed to an eager looking witch across the room. Hooch’s companion turned around and the girls gasped.
“No way! Sprout!”
“And check out what she’s wearing. Ew, that’s so wrong,” Ginny remarked cattily.
ANNOUNCER: Yo! Yo! Yo! WHERE MY WITCHES AT!!!!
Hermione plugged her ears as the whole club erupted in mass hysteric screaming. She briefly considered a personal silencing spell if she wanted to leave hearing intact.
ANNOUNCER: Alright Ladies we’re going to bring the wizards out in just a few minutes, but fist a few ground rules. Wands away. Any witch seen brandishing a wand not firmly attached to one of our hot muscular wizards will be ejected. No photography permitted. And Ladies remember no rushing the stage. Now are you ready for the finest specimens of wizarding flesh to dance for you? THEN MAKE SOME NOISE!
Again Hermione stuck her fingers in her ears as Ginny screamed wildly along with every randy witch in the house as the dance floor blew up in enchanted purple sparks.
A driving techno beat added itself to the cacophony.
‘I’m bringing sexy back . . . them other boys . . .’
Suddenly a line of twenty five scantily clad wizards of every description appeared on stage. Not a single witch remained seated as the built wizards pumped, gyrated, and shimmied in time to the music. Hermione’s breath was taken away and for once appreciated her friend for dragging her to the show.
‘ . . . Dirty babe . . . You see these shackles? Baby I’m your slave! . . . ‘
Lost in the crowd of screaming witches Hermione giggled to herself. ‘Imagine shackling him up… that thought has merit,’ she contemplated with a sly grin.
“Look at that one!” Ginny screamed in her ear while pointing to a very well-defined wizard smoothly writhing about.
“Eh, I’ve had bigger,” she responded nonchalantly.
“Oh?” Ginny looked surprised. Hermione never offered any details. “Do tell girl!”
But a glance at her face told Ginny that she wouldn’t give up her secrets so easily. Ginny motioned for a scurrying nearly-trampled house elf and ordered drinks for the two of them.
‘ . . . Get your sexy on . . . ‘
It took awhile for the drinks to arrive and when they did Hermione eyed her mischievous friend warily.
“What’s this?” she screamed over the floor set of a wizard who appeared to have dancing pectorals and other lovely attributes.
“You need to shut down that brain of yours. It’s called a Zombie.”
“And what you’re drinking?”
Ginny smiled broadly, “Red-headed Slut of course!”
Back stage a nervous Ron Weasley was trying to control his breathing. He always got the jitters just before a show, but this one happened to be in his own hometown. He hoped none of his Mum’s upstanding friends had a taste for these shows or else he’d positively die of embarrassment. Molly and everyone back at the Burrow thought he was touring with the Kestrels.
Turning to another dancer he asked, “Oi Mate, can I borrow some more of your oil?”
Breathing slowly Ron proceeded to re-lube his already glistening body to calm his frayed nerves. As the clock quickly ran out Ron selected a powder blue thong. His Mum had always encouraged him to wear colors that complimented his baby blue eyes.
Mock collar, white bow tie, and mock cuffs nearly completed the transformation.
The stage manager growled his set was up and Ron grabbed his white satin top hat.
ANNOUNCER: Big round of applause for Desmond. You liked his Beater’s bat didn’t you?
-Mass hysteric screaming-
ANNOUNCER: Alright my lovely witches, turn your attention to the center stage . . .
Hermione’s wide eyes drank in the muscular clenching ass cheeks.
“I’d take that one home,” she shouted.
Ginny gave her inebriated friend a sidelong glance. “You can have him, I don’t do red-heads.”
“Yeah just blonds,” she teased.
ANNOUNCER: . . .We proudly present for your viewing pleasure a decorated war veteran and Quiddich professional. I GIVE YOU WON WON!
‘ . . . I’m a model you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk . . . ‘
Ron spun quickly on the slick black surface and was instantly thankful the stage lights obscured most of the screaming banshees in the audience.
“No way!”
“Holy shit. . . That’s not . . .” Hermione giggled watching Won Won gyrate in a tiny blue banana hammock. “If he had danced like that for me, I’d never have dumped him!” a lit-up Hermione squealed to a shocked and silent Ginny.
Ron pranced up the catwalk, thrusting, dancing and pumping his muscles in time to music.
“Is that Millie Bulstrode he’s grinding into?”
“Yeah,” Ginny replied almost too quietly to hear.
‘ . . . On the catwalk on the catwalk yeah, I shake my little touche on the catwalk . . . ‘
“I can’t believe I’m watching my brother smack his dick into Marietta Edgecomb’s face,” Ginny said sullenly.
“Ooh! Let’s go up to the stage, I bet Ron would let me pinch his delicious ass for old time’s sake!”
“Have you lost your ever-lovin’ mind!” Ginny screamed, but Hermione was already at the catwalk.
‘ . . . I’m too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat . . . Poor pussy poor pussy cat . . . ‘
“RON!” a jumping Hermione screamed.
“MIONE?”
As her name passed his lips a gasping panicked Ron lost his bearing. One over-greased foot slid off the slick catwalk surface and the rest of him came tumbling over the stage.
“Oh Ron!” Hermione cried while gingerly cradling his bleeding head.
ANNOUNCER: WIZARD DOWN. I REPEAT – WIZARD DOWN. WON WON HAS PULLED A LONGBOTTOM!
*
Thanks M\'dears! A.V.