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100 Ways to Kill a Weasley	By : Ms_Figg Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 41442 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 80
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Chapter contributed by : nonentity

Disclaimer: don�t own JK�s stuff
Warnings: irreverence towards suicide and religion, abuse of ellipses

�Hermione!� Ron bellowed. �Hermione! Oy, Hermione, where you were you? I�ve been looking all over,� he demanded as Hermione entered the hallway.

�Honestly, Ron. People two floors away could here you,� scolded Hermione with a roll of her eyes. �Now, what do you want that involves disturbing the entire castle?�

�I just wanted to see you. You�re at Hogwarts all the time now and I�m back in the Burrow. I miss my best girl, you know?�

�Oh, Ronald,� Hermione said a little tearily. �I miss you too.� She began to reach for him but stopped. Her bushy locks swung in front of her face as she looked at the floor. �So, how have you been?�

Ron paused, and then said �I�m thinking of proposing to Lavender. I love her and all, but nobody can ever compare to you.�

Hermione sighed. �I love you too, but you know we can�t be together. Marriage is a big step, so you should think about it carefully, but if you think you can build a happy life with her and you�re ready, then get married. Oh! Let�s make a list! Do you have any parchment on you? You need to see if you�re compatible on money management and number of children and . . . �

Ron forestalled her by pulling out a magazine picture. �This is the ring I�m thinking of buying her.� The ring obliging rotated around, showing a dainty glowing mauve stone surrounded by a flower-shaped setting. The setting morphed into two hands and back into a flower again. The picture then changed to a pretty witch wearing the ring and cooing at her hand. �And the advert says the stone flashes SOS in Morse code when she�s in danger,� he added. �I�m not sure what Morse code is, but I reckon it�s a good feature.� �It�s a pretty ring,� Hermione murmured politely. �I�m sure Lavender will love it.�

Ron shuffled his feet uncomfortably and tucked the picture back into his pocket. �So, what have you been up to?�

�Oh, the usual. Reading, research, especially on the states of death. Harry brought us some games, including muggle ones. Exploding Snap just isn�t the same, but some of the strategy games are quite fun. I�m also very fond of Scrabble. You won�t believe how many two-letter words there are! We can�t play Magic: the Gathering. Helena and everyone else get too distracted laughing at the �spells�. Oh, and I�ve taken up pottery. And quilting. I donate all the quilts to the children�s ward of St. Mungo�s. Oh, and sex, of course; we�ve been working our way through the Kama Sutra. It�s ever so . . �

�Sex?!� Ron yelled. �With who?!�

�Ronald! Keep your voice down. And with Severus, of course. Who else, Sir Nicholas? He�s entirely too gentlemanly and has no technique. Besides, Severus has the most amazing . . . �

�Snape?� Ron sputtered. �Snape?�

�Ronald! He can be quite pleasant when he wants to be. I�ve become very fond of him. And he still deserves our respect. He spied for the Order at great personal risk and provided us with valuable information and . . .�

�But why not someone else? And why do you need sex at all?�

�Really, Ronald,� Hermione said with a huff. �There�s not that many ghosts at Hogwarts to choose from. I can�t eat or sleep or do magic. I�ll never get married or have children. I would think that you would be happy for me that I can still have an orgasm! I�m sure you�re not abstaining.� Ron winced at the shrillness of Hermione�s voice. She continued, �A ghost�s activities are limited. It takes energy to interact with the material plane. Sex and formation flying are the only two things that don�t require partially solidifying. Although you still need to for sex if you want extra leverage. Which isn�t a problem for fellatio or fisting or cunnilingus, but is for coitus and . . . �

�What about reading? Reading! You know, that activity you used to do all the time, even while eating and sleeping?�

�I have to hold the book or stay still in order to read. I can�t read while I float; the words wobble too much,� Hermione replied sadly. �I can do it for a few hours, but not all day.�

�But Snape! . . . Bloody hell, is that a tongue stud?�

�Language, Ronald. Er, yes. It was a present for Severus.� Hermione blushed silver and muttered, �I forgot to remove it.� She stuck her tongue back out and the little pearl was gone. �Better?�

Ron clutched his head in his hands. Apparently death had loosened Hermione�s morals and thighs.

Bugger, bugger, bugger. Ron paced back and forth. Poor Hermione, doomed to a lifetime (deathtime?) with Snape. Snape! He shuddered. His Hermione deserved better. He and Hermione belong together. Why did she have to die? How could Trelawney be stupid enough to fill an entire storage closet to the brim with crystal balls, just waiting to crush the innocent victim who opens the door? Between the concussions, the crushed organs, and the length of time it took to discover their bodies in those summer months, Snape and Hermione hadn�t stood a chance.

Ron had been thrilled when she came back as a ghost; he wouldn�t have to give her up altogether. She wasn�t staying the same though. She was changing and moving on with another man. Another man kissing and caressing her, another man touching her all over, another man bringing her to orgasm and hearing those sweet little moans. Meanwhile, Ron couldn�t even hold her hand without getting frostbite. She wasn�t going to be Ron�s Hermione anymore. She was becoming Snape�s Hermione.

Before her death, he had never pictured a life without her by his side. That was still something he didn�t want to consider, and had avoided considering. But maybe, just maybe, they could be dead together.

His mum might get angry and send a Howler or two, but it wasn�t as if she couldn�t come and visit him at Hogwarts. And the woman had five other kids who could provide her with grandchildren. He�d be guaranteed to stay around until all his friends and relatives� dying days, and he could watch over their children while they were at Hogwarts. They would have nothing to complain about; everyone would understand. Except Lavender. Lavender always was oddly irrational when it came to Hermione.

If he died, he should do it at Hogwarts. Maximize his chances of returning to Hogwarts in the afterlife. He didn�t want to damage his body and risk coming back mangled, like Headless Nick or the Bloody Baron. Maybe he could kill himself with a leftover Basilisk fang without puncturing himself too deeply? In any case, it�d have to be poison. Preferably fast and painless poison.

Ron woke up in a waiting room. Lights glowed from some Muggle devices on the ceiling. This certainly wasn�t Hogwarts. �Where am I?�

�Hell, of course.� Ron startled at the voice and spun around. A demon holding a clipboard and a file stood behind him. �I skimmed your life story,� the demon continued briskly, �and you seem like a good enough bloke. It�s probably that suicide technicality that landed you here, or maybe you didn�t accept Jesus as your savior?�

�Suicide technicality? Jesus? And why am I not a ghost?! I should be at Hogwarts!�

�Bloody Heaven, I could have sworn you were some sort of Christian. Let�s see . . . yup, you definitely celebrate Easter and Christmas. Apparently you�re quite fond of your mum�s toffee-filled Easter eggs. Gluttonous fellow, aren�t you. You�re English, which would make you Anglican?�

�Angli-what?�

�Can�t see why you�re so confused, an English fellow should understand English. I�m sure I�m speaking the correct dialect. Ah, I see. You�re a wizard. They�re always trouble. At least agnostics and atheists have given us some thought. Wizards think they can do anything, and never consider the existence of higher beings. Like the earth and the sky just appeared all by itself.� The demon gave a snort. �Not your fault though, no wonder you�re confused.�

�You don�t understand, I�m supposed to be a ghost. At Hogwarts. Not be wherever I am right now.� Ron began to feel a sense of panic.

�Nope, it says right here you should be in Hell. We don�t make mistakes in our paperwork. You can file an appeal if you like, but you wouldn�t want to be in Heaven anyway. They�re all a bunch of bloody wankers. Too goody-goody to have casual sex, so they all just masturbate themselves to death. Don�t you worry yourself, laddy. You�re a nice enough chap, you won�t have to go through a proper punishment.�

�Punishment?� Ron gulped.

�Hmmm, it says here you know Lucius Malfoy, correct? Another one of those wizarding fellows. Well, we have him handing out candies and making puddings for the house elves, and he has to allow them to give him their grateful hugs and affections without kicking any of them. And Paris Hilton, we have her on a stage in front of an enormous audience, and none of them notice. A lot of people we just lock in a small dark space with no communication and the scents of tasty food floating in. Punishment, see?�

�Could I, er, appeal to become a ghost?�

�Almost no one becomes a ghost, mate. You have to have unfinished business.�

�I have unfinished business! I have to be with my girlfriend!� Ron yelled, flapping his arms wildly.

�Your girlfriend?� The demon raised a bony eyebrow ridge.

�Yes! She�s a ghost at Hogwarts, and she�s now dating the gittiest of gits! That�s why I need to be a ghost there.�

�Name?� Ron, confused, blinked. �Your girlfriend�s name, what is it?� repeated the demon with a trace of impatience and a roll of his whiteless eyes.

�Hermione. Hermione Jean Granger. Of England. Born September �79.�

�Let�s see. Ah, I see. Sorry mate, you�re out of luck.� The demon patted Ron�s shoulder awkwardly with a scaly hand. Ron winced as a claw scratched him and drew blood. �Your lady�s unfinished business was an intense and undeclared love for a Severus Snape. Hmmm, quite guilt-ridden about it too, practically eating her alive. Figuratively, of course. Although we do eat some our more evil residents alive as punishment. Including your friend Lucius Malfoy. Of course their bodies are regenerated afterwards or we wouldn�t be able to punish them anymore. Forget about her, lad, this happens all the time. She�s just another woman anyway. Women are a dime a dozen. Er, a sickle a dozen in your terms. Or maybe a galleon a girl for alliteration? Anyway, we have lots of right fit birds here in Hell. Come, my dear boy. I�ll introduce you.�

Hermione hummed to herself as she sat at the spinning pottery wheel and shaped the clay.

�Hello, love,� her favorite voice purred into her ear as Severus sat himself behind her. �Did you have a nice visit with the Weasley boy?� he asked with a slight emphasis on the word boy as he nuzzled her hair.

Hermione turned her head and gave her beloved a quick smile before returning to the bowl she was making. �Quite nice. He�s thinking of proposing to Lavender. I find her a bit annoying, but I think they could be happy together. I�m glad he�s moving on with his life.�

�Leaving us to enjoy our afterlife,� Severus said in a silky whisper into her ear. He gave the lobe a tentative lick and wrapped his arms around her waist. His hands slide into her robes.

�Severus! Don�t distract me!� Hermione scolded with a smile.

�Of course, my dear. You just keep on working on your bowl. Since we have so little time to get everything done, you know.� His hands moved further upwards and began to slightly stroke the undersides of her breasts, making Hermione shiver.

Hermione let go of the clay. �I can�t concentrate when you�re doing that. Stop it!� she giggled as he pressed open-mouthed kisses onto the side of her neck.

�Mmmm, what if I don�t want to?� His voice always did her in. She twisted her torso, wrapped her arms around his neck, and gave him a soft, slow, long kiss, languidly sliding her tongue along his lips. Severus made a soft whine.

Then the clay began to splatter. Hermione had forgot to kick the wooden block off the pedal, and the pottery wheel had continued to spin. Fortunately for the ghosts, the chunks sailed right through their bodies. Unfortunately, the clay sprayed all over the floor and wall, and ghosts can�t perform cleaning spells.

�Oh dear,� Hermione murmured, biting her lip and looking around guiltily.

�We�ll blame it on Peeves,� Severus said reassuringly as he floated Hermione up slightly and turned her body towards his. He proceeded to distract her from the clay as they floated together towards the ceiling.

And they lived (afterlived?) happily ever after.

fin

A/N: I read Ramos�s �Unfinished Business� a zillion times and it shaped a lot of my ideas about Hogwarts ghosts, so I probably swiped some of her original ideas. So anything of hers you recognize is hers. Unless it�s JK�s, of course.
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100 Ways to Kill a Weasley