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What Now QD?	By : quitedemented Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 851 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-What Now QD?
- 1
Warnings: Adult language, massive spoilers for the 7th book, sexual content and situations.... uh I think that�s it? Oh and gender confusion.
AN: I wrote this because I wanted others to hear the voices in my head too! That and I needed a detraction from the fact Soapy Residue is driving me slowing insane. I have these guys talking to me all the time so I thought I�d let you in on one of our conversations. Here goes.
Draco: Where the hell am I?

Harry: That�s a good question Malfoy.

Draco: What are you doing here Potter!? And where the bloody hell is here!?!?!

Snape: Calm yourself Mr. Malfoy we are simply in the place we go when not being used in a fanfiction story.

Harry: Huh?

Snape: *Sighs* Well spoken as always Potter.

Draco: Wait! Fanfiction? You mean that crap you find on the internet? .....Not that I read it or even know what the internet is. Being a pureblood and all. *makes shifty eyes*

Harry: Oh get over yourself Malfoy you know what fanfiction is and you love it, especially slash.

Draco: I DO NOT!

Ron: What�s slash?

Draco: Weasley how the hell did you get here?

Ron: I don�t know Malfoy I�m just here, and what�s slash?

Harry: Uh well...

Draco: Oh come on Slash? You know? Slash, yaoi, male/male, homo-erotic, GAY!

Ron: *turns and unattractive shade of red* Bloody hell!

Draco: *snorts* You really had no idea did you?

Snape: He wouldn�t as this author has never written him in a slash roll.

Draco: Ah yes you�re right he likes me and Harry together.
Harry: o_O I thought the author was a girl?

Draco: No it�s a guy.

Harry: Are you sure I distinctly got a fangirl vibe from her.

Draco: No QD is definitely a bloke. His name is AJ for Merlin�s sake.

Harry: AJ can be a girls name.

Draco: *waves off* Yes, yes but he dresses like a bloke.

Ron: Some birds dress like blokes.

Draco: Yes but they�re usually the ones that prefer other birds, and how many lesbians do you know write slash? And not fem slash.

Ron: *nods* He�s got a point.

Harry: I still say QD is a girl, I mean she�s got long hair!

Draco: It�s not that long and anyway so do I and I�m a guy.

Ron: *snorts* You�re not helping your case Malfoy.

Draco: Fuck off weasel!

Snape: I have long hair.

Ron: *sweatdrops*

Snape: Dumbledore has long hair. Black, Lucius, Mr. Zabini, Hagrid, Moody and three of the male Weasley offspring have long hair.

Harry: Well yeah...

Draco: Actually Blaise cut his hair so it�s short again.

Snape: Regardless of that, my point, your point, has been made. Long hair does not equal female.

Harry: But...But she painted her nails that one time!

Draco: *Rolls eyes* Yes, one time , being the point. Some men occasionally do that, anyway have you ever seen QD wear any other cosmetics other than the fingernail polish, that one time , or lip balm?

Harry: Uh... well no.

Draco: See? Bloke.

Harry: I�ve heard her squeal!

Draco: *leers* You�re heard me squeal too Potter and last time you checked I was a boy wasn�t I?

Harry: *swallows* Ah yeah......But maybe I should check again. You know? Just to be sure. *Grabs Draco and hides behind some convenient bushes*

Snape and Ron: *sweatdrop*
Sirius: Hey Ron, Snape. What�s going on?
~*~From the other side of the bushes~*~
Draco: Oh Gods! Yes! Oh Harry! Harry don�t stop!

Harry: Uhn wasn�t planning on it. Fuck! Yeah definitely a boy. A dirty boy!

Draco: Yes! I�m your dirty boy! Oh Gods Harry Harder!
~*~Back to the others~*~
Sirius: *sweatdrops* on second thought maybe I don�t want to know.

Ron: *blushing* Um *coughs* Uh Sirius what gender is QD?

Sirius: *turns away from shaking bushes* What? Um right...QD? Well...? You know I�m not sure. Does it matter?

Ron: Guess not but that�s what started... well that *waves towards bushes*

Sirius: How did questioning QD�s gender lead to.......You know forget I asked.

~*~meanwhile in the bushes~*~
Draco: Oh gods! Fuck yes faster! Oh fuck Harry I�m so close!

Harry: Uhn me too! Shit yes! Oh Fuck! Cum for me baby!

Draco: Yes yes! Ohgodsohgodsohgods! YES HARRY!

Harry: Fuck! *pants and collapses*

Draco: *pokes Harry* Potter as good as that was and as much as I love having you on top of me...Your bloody heavy so get off!

Harry: *grumbles* So much for post shag snuggling.

Draco: I didn�t say that! You were crushing me! *snuggles up to Harry*

Harry: Good *pulls Draco closer and falls asleep*
~*~back to the others~*~
From the bush: *snores*

Sirius: ...... Did they just?

Snape: *nods*

Sirius: and then just fell asleep?

Snape: *nods*

Sirius: Behind the bushes with all of us standing here?

Snape: *nods*

Sirus and Ron: Bloody hell.

Snape: Indeed.

Remus: Hello everyone! What are you all doing here?

Ron: *blushes*

Remus: *blinks* What?

Sirius: Well you see Moony... *is interrupted by snores from bushes*

Remus: What was that? *walks toward bushes*

Sirius: Moony I wouldn�t...!!

Remus: *looks behind bushes and turns redder than Ron�s hair*

Remus: *runs back to group* H-how did that come about?

Ron: *blushes harder* Uh...

Sirius: *scratches back of neck* Well.....

Snape: *rolls eyes* Oh for Merlins sake! We, that is Weasley, Draco, Potter and I, were in a discussion about what gender we thought the author quite_demented was. Potter decided that the author was female because he had heard he or she squeal, Draco argued that he had squealed in the past and was male. Potter decided he needed to confirm this fact and dragged Draco behind those convenient bushes where they apparently felt the need to copulate.

Remus: Ah, I see. Well if you wanted to know QD�s gender you should have asked me. Being a werewolf I can determine gender by scent.

All( including Harry and Draco who came out from the bushes looking throughly shagged ): WELL!?!

Remus: *gulps* Right um..Yes well quite_demented is a...
*BEEEEEEEEP �This is a test of the emergency fanfic alert system. This is only a test. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP �This has been a test of the emergency fanfic alert system. Had this been a real emergency I would have asked you to put on the damn helmet! This was only a test. Thank you.*
Remus:... it�s really quite obvious when you think about it.

Ron: So QD is a...

Remus: Yes.

Harry: So the way QD acts and dresses is because of h..

Remus: Sexual orientation, correct.

Draco: See I told you!

Harry: You did not! You mentioned nothing about sexual orientation being a factor!

Draco: *waves it off* Whatever it doesn�t matter we all know now.

quite_demented: Know what?

Harry: Hi QD!

QD: Hey Harry. So you know what?

Snape: That you are a.....Granger what are you doing here?

Mione: I�m not sure I just kind of popped up?

QD: Sorry about that I was thinking about I fic I�m working on I�m not sure if I wanted Hermione in it yet or not. Guess I just popped her here? So what were you saying?

Draco: He was saying that now we all know you�re a ...Blaise?

Blaise: Um hi Dray how�d I get here?

Draco: Ask �Professor Attention Span� over there *points to QD*

QD: Heheh sorry I was just thinking about you cheating on Harry with Blaise in a fic.

Harry and Draco: WHAT!?!?!?!

Harry: *turns hurt filled eyes to Draco* You wouldn�t really cheat on me would you Draco.

Draco: Of course not! I am a one man, man and you are all the man I need.

Harry: *embraces Draco tightly and kisses him* Do you mean that baby?

Draco: *caresses Harry�s face* Of course darling.

Ron and Blaise: *Gags*

Blaise: Hey! You can�t have Draco cheat with me he�s my best mate. You always make him my best mate! If I slept with him not only would Potter probably kill me but Draco wouldn�t be my friend any more!

Draco: Yeah! You can�t do that I refuse to do it!

QD: *smirks* Oh yes I can and yes you will if I decide to write it.

Draco: *tears up* How can you be so mean to me I thought I was your favorite?

QD: *sighs* Draco chill if I have you cheat with Blaise you will both be under the influence of some spell or potion *waves hand to indicate said spell or potion* You know I hate sad endings. Plus I like Blaise too much to alienate him or kill him off. *hugs Draco and pats Blaise on the back*

Draco: *sniffs* Okay then.

Harry: Good that�s settled then....but Love, I�m QD�s favorite.

Draco: You are not I am!

Harry: Sorry but I am.

Draco: No it�s me look how many lines I have! *waves at the text above them*

Harry: That doesn�t prove anything it just means you talk a lot, look in QD�s author look up it says that QD�s favorite pairings are Harry/Draco and Harry/Snape see Harry and Harry I�m the favorite.

Draco: NO! QD always gives me big parts and says how good I look and always points out what a good person I am and tries to get all the readers to like me!

Harry: I�M QD�s FAVORITE!

Draco: NO I�M QD�s FAVORITE!

Harry: NO I�M QD�s FAVORITE!

Draco: NO ME!

Harry: NO ME!

QD: BOYS!

Everyone: *goes silent and stares at QD*

QD: Actually neither of you is my favorite.

Harry: B-but I thought..

Draco: I�m not your Favorite? *sobs and flings self into Harry�s arms*

QD: Sorry *shuffles feet*

Blaise: Well then who is your favorite?

The Twins: Hey Guys!

Draco: THEM!?! Weasley�s have been chosen over me again! *sobs harder* Why didn�t you just AK me it would have been kinder!

QD: Um it�s not them either.

Hagrid: Er �ow�d I get �ere?

Draco: Oh gods that�s even worse! *collapses in tears*

Harry: Now come on Love it�s not that bad you know QD loves you...you�re just not the favorite.

Draco: *lets out a wail* I wanted to be the favorite!

QD: Um it�s not Hagrid either though he was my favorite for a long time.

Fred...or is it George?....Gred? Forge? Whatever it�s at twin!: So who�s your favorite then?

QD: Well first off let me just say all of you here are in my top ten...

Mione: There are eleven of us!

QD: *blinks* Oh! I forgot you were here let me rephrase that. All of the men here are in my top ten... Well actually we�re missing one.

Mione: *looks on the verge of tears*

Snape: That would still make eleven you imbecile!

QD: Oh no you see I count the twins as one unit I can�t rank one above the other. Hell I can�t tell one from the other.

Twins: *grin and wink*

One of said twins: Want to be an OC and make a threesome?

Other twin: You twit QD doesn�t write threesomes well didn�t you read the authors note at the end of SR chapter 3?

First twin: Oh right. Too bad then.

Remus: You were saying?

QD: *blinks*

Remus: About missing someone?

QD: OH! Right um, lets see. *Closes eyes*

Lucius: *looks around at everyone until his eyes land on QD* *raises eyebrow* Might I inquire why I�ve been brought here?

QD: Um well they all wanted to know who was in my top ten and I was missing you.

Lucius: *looks outraged* I was tenth!

QD: NO! Nononono they all kind of popped up randomly. You see Draco and Harry were arguing about....Actually this would be faster if you just read what we�ve said so far. *hands copy of script*

Lucius: *reads it over* Ah I see. *smirks* Poor Granger.
Mione: *bursts into tears*

Sirius: Gods not another one. Hey would you just tell us your favorite already!

All: YEAH!

QD: Ok, ok it�s Severus! Gods!

Snape: *looks shocked* Am I really?

QD: Yep!

Harry, Ron, Sirius and the twins: SNAPE!

QD: Yep.

Harry: B-b-but WHY?

QD: Well... He�s hot, he has a sexy voice, he�s smart as hell, I love his attitude, he�s ultimately a good guy but acts like a bad guy, I dig the all black thing, potions rock, Slytherins rock and he�s the head of Slytherin therefore he rocks that much harder, he has a great back story, I can write him into either side of the war, he can be kind in private, he can be violent if I want, I can have him seek revenge for past slights or have him just not give a damn, he�s a very versatile character, I have a thing for tall older men and snarky is the new sexy so ...yeah.

Snape: *looks quite smug*

Others: *look gobsmacked*

Remus: Well I suppose you have a point there especially about him being hot.

QD: Thank you, I thought so.

Mione: *sniffs* I still can�t believe I�m not even in your top ten!

QD: Are you still here?! Gods just leave! Better yet I�ll just banish you from here.

Mione: WAIT! At least tell me where I rank before you toss me out.

QD: *sneers* I don�t see why I should?

Draco: Oh come on I want to know where the Mud...*looks at glare Harry sends* er Granger ranks.

QD: *sighs* Oh alright but I�m only doing this for you Draco.

Draco: *smirks then sneers at Granger*

QD: Alright the list is as follows... *Pulls out parchment and tacks it to a newly formed wall*

1. Severus Snape

2. Draco Malfoy

3. Harry Potter

Draco: Ha! I out rank you Potter!

QD: Quiet or I�ll stop!

4. The Weasley Twins

5. Hagrid

6. Lucius Malfoy

Lucius: *smirks*

7. Sirius Black

8. Remus Lupin

QD: Ok the next three are really interchangeable so don�t read too far into it.

9. Ron Weasley

10. Blaise Zabini

11. Neville Longbottom

Blaise: I�m tied for 9th-11th with Weasley and Longbottom!? Oh the Shame!

QD: Get over it Zabini just be happy you in the top ten.

12. Albus Dumbledore

13. Seamus Finnegan

14. Poppy Pomfrey

15. Luna Lovegood

QD: And the one you�ve all been waiting for...

16. Hermione Granger

QD: Well there you have it. Happy Granger?

Mione: Why are you so cruel? What have I ever done to make you hate me?

QD:....Well nothing really I just think you�re stuck up know-it-all bitch most of the time. But I don�t hate you I just find you annoying so...bye! *snaps fingers and Hermione disappears*

Ron: MIONE! Hey what�d you do that for she�s my girlfriend you know!

QD:*sighs* Oh fine here *waves hand and a door appears* Go through there and you�ll find her tied to a bed with silk scarves, there should be a table with all manner of sex toys and various lubricants and stamina potions on it. She should be horny as hell for hours so have at her my friend.

Ron: *looks through door then says in awed voice* Sweet Merlin! *turns and bear hugs QD* I love you mate! *runs in and slams door*

Lucius: My, my you are a perverted little thing aren�t you?

QD: *blushes then glares* I�m not little! 5'7 is a very respectable height , after all we can�t all be 6 foot plus!

Snape: *purrs out* But you like them tall don�t you?

QD: *gulps* Uh I-I-I um did it just get hotter in here?

Lucius: Oh Severus stop teasing before the child faints and we are forced to send for Poppy. Although just think what we could do while our little minx is unconscious?

QD: O_o Y-you wouldn�t do that would you?

Snape: Why my dear little author wouldn�t you like us to have our wicked way with you?

QD: Oh Merlin yes! I mean No! I don�t do that I don�t put you guys with OC�s and I count as an OC!

Lucius: Pity.

Twins: That�s what we said!

Hagrid: Wha�s OC mean?

Sirius: It�s bloody crowded in here! Can�t you do something about this?

QD: *regains composure* Oh sure *waves hand and two new doors appear* Ok, Hagrid I love you man but I have a hell of a time writing for you so through this first door you�ll find Charlie Weasley waiting outside the Dragon Reserve in Romania where he works. I�ve arranged it so you can tour it all day and visit Norbert and afterwards I�ve set up dinner for two for you and Madam Maxine. Oh and OC mead original character by the way.

Hagrid: *beams and goes teary eyed* Thas the sweetes thing anyones ever done fer me. Yer a true friend you are *pats QD on the shoulder and almost knocks to knees*

QD: *stands up strait again* Quite alright Hagrid enjoy yourself tonight and I�ll try to work you into some of my current WIP�s.

QD: Ok Blaise and Twins through that door you will find a similar assortment to what I left with Ron and Granger plus some more interesting items of the leather variety *waggles eyebrows* I�ve also called Seamus over to play. The bed has been enlarged for your convenience and liqueur has been provided. *bows* Enjoy!

Twins and Blaise: Wicked! *dash through second door*
QD: *looks at others* Better?

Sirius: Yeah but now I�m feeling left out *pouts*

QD: Oh for the love of... FINE! *waves hand again to produce yet another door* There same set up as Blaise and the Twins minus the Irishman. So go on.

All: *blink*

QD: Well! *Crosses arms and raises eyebrow*

Remus: Um which of us is meant to go in?

QD: *smacks self in forehead* Right sorry. Sirius, Sev, Moony and Lucius go have fun.

Sirius: Righto! *Runs through door followed by Snape and Remus*

QD: *looks at Lucius* Well what are you waiting for?

Lucius: You have never cast me as a homosexual I have always been a loving and devoted husband to my wife .

QD: Oh right. Forgot about that. Well let�s see.....Oh hell let�s just go with the old slash stand-by. You have always been gay, you even slept with Severus a few times in school that�s why he followed you to the Dark Lord. Your marriage was arranged and while you and Narcissa love each other you were never in love with each other you�re just really good friends and you only conceived Draco through the help of a potion. The two of you had an amicable divorce which Draco was fine with because he knew the two of you would be happier apart. You are now free to shag any hot guy who strikes your fancy and Cissa is dating um...I don�t know, Kingsley.

Lucius: The auror? I think not!

QD: Alright fine how about Professor Vector?

Draco: I thought Vector was female?

Harry: I thought Vector was a ghost?

QD: *yanks at hair* Well for my proposes Vector is male, single, hot, the same general age as Narcissa and most importantly ALIVE! *breaths heavily* There are we all happy?

All: *nod*

Lucius: *gives evil smirk* You say I can sleep with any attractive male that strikes my fancy? *leers and stalks towards the three remaining occupants in the room*

QD: Present company not included! Now go shag someone your own age!

Lucius: Oh very well. *Walks through door*

QD: *mutters* Bloody pedophile.

Harry: Well technically we�ve all over 17 so he wouldn�t be.

Draco: Are you saying you wanted my Father to shag you?

Harry: Well it�s better then him shagging you.

Draco: Ewww !

QD: *gets thoughtful look*

Draco: NO! *smacks QD with a broom* NO! Bad slash author bad! You will not write incest!

QD: Ouch! Awww come on Dray you two are hot!
Draco: No! That is one step too far!

QD: Oh fine.....Hey Draco if I gave you the option of being shagged by your Dad or shagging Granger who would you choose? *smiles innocently*

Draco: *looks horror stricken* You wouldn�t!

Harry: That�s just cruel!

QD: Oh come off it I was just joking. Like I would ever write het sex *snorts* That would be almost as bad as fem slash *shudders*

Draco: What about me and my Father?

QD: I won�t write that either sheesh! Incest is wrong no matter how hot the participants are. *blinks* Where did you get that broom anyway?

Draco: *looks at broom* You know, I have no idea.

Harry: Hey why are we the only ones still here?

QD: Because you two already got some lovin� so you are staying here to talk.

Harry: *blushes* Oh.

Draco: *pouts* But I want another lemon! With me on top this time.

Harry: You can�t be top!

Draco: And why not!?

Harry: Look at you. You�re slim, fine boned, you have pouty lips, you�re emotional and you�re shorter then me. You�re totally in bottom mode.

Draco: But I want to top!

QD: Sorry Draco but in all my current WIP�s your bottom...well except Soapy Residue.

Harry: yeah what�s up with that?

QD: What? Why are you bottom in SR?

Harry: Well no, not that I know you like to mix it up with us. What I meant is what�s taking you so long with it?

QD: Not you too!? Arrgg first the reviewers now the characters!

Draco: Well if you�d just hurry we wouldn�t complain!

QD: It�s not that simple I�ve got writers block on that story. Hell I�m about ready to give up on it!

Harry and Draco: NO!

Draco: You can�t give up on it!

Harry: Yeah you promised the readers!

QD: I know, I know! Gods! I didn�t think it would be so bloody hard to finish the damn when I started it. Hell I didn�t even plan on writing it really.

Harry: What do you mean?

QD: Bubble Trouble was supposed to be a oneshot, which it was , but I hadn�t planned on a sequel. Then I got to the end and thought well maybe if the readers really like it I�ll right a sequel, you know another oneshot. But then I started writing and what was meant to be just another oneshot about the same length as BT turned into to this multi chapter fic that I was never prepared to write. *puts head in hands*

Harry: *pats QD�s shoulder*

Draco: Well what are you going to do then?

QD: *mumbles* I don�t know. I can�t give it up the readers really like it and I love the reviews. I can�t just abandon it on them it would be cruel. Maybe after I finish chapter five I�ll hand it off to someone.

Draco: WHAT!?! Hand us off to some random author to do what they please? Are you mad?!

QD: I would give them guide lines of what I wanted to happen! Hell I would insist on being the beta and posting the new chapters under my name, still giving them credit of course.....I don�t know maybe it�s a bad idea?

Draco: Hell yes it�s a bad idea! You know what? Forget what we said just take your sweet time on it. I would rather it take you a year to finish it then be handed off to some stranger! If the readers truly like your writing then they will wait for it.

QD: *nods* You�re right screw trying to rush myself and stressing myself out they can wait. If they really want to read more of my story they can wait for it. I mean hell, how long do I wait in between updates on new chapters of �How Severus Spends His Summer Hols� by sevs_lil_secret? It takes months sometimes but it�s worth every minute.

Draco: Are you comparing yourself to the brilliance that is sevs_lil_secret?

QD: *blushes* NO! Well yes....but I know I�m no where near as good as her! But I�m trying to be and I think I�m doin� pretty damn good considering I have no beta and BT and SR are my first two fics!

Harry: *says soothingly* Course you are. Now why don�t we just calm down?

QD: Oh piss off Potter!

Draco: When did you get a British accent?

Harry: Yeah I thought you were an American?

QD: I am an American, an American that�s been reading and writing too much Harry Potter fanfiction.

Draco: *snorts* There�s no such thing as too much Fanfiction.

QD: Oh really? Do you have any idea how many fanfics I�ve read?

Harry: How many?

QD: Well if we counted chapters as onshotes I would say it reaches numbers in the thousands.

Draco: *low whistle* You need to get laid.

QD: Fuck You Malfoy!

Draco: No thanks that�s what Harry�s for *smirks*

QD: *bangs head on wall* Perverts, Malfoys are all perverts.

Draco: Only because you write us that way, J.K. might have made me a snotty little bastard but you made me the pervert.

QD: Oh and I suppose you like the way J.K. wrote you do you? You know in the books where you�re strait, pointy, get no action at all and Harry ends up with Ginny?

Draco: *looks horror stricken* Gods no! I like being shagged by the most powerful wizard in the world and having everyone love me!

Harry: *has thoughtful look* Hey QD speaking of Ginny where does she fit in on that list of yours.

QD: Huh? Oh um somewhere below Voldemort and above Filch.

Harry and Draco: O_o

QD: What?

Draco: Did you hear what you just said?

QD:*annoyed* What?

Draco: Harry said �Where does Ginny fit in?� and you said �Below Voldemort and above Filch�.

QD: O_o........ EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!! Bad image! Bad image! Uhhggg! That was wrong on sooo many levels!

Harry and Draco: *burst out laughing*

QD: *glares* You know I really hate you guys sometimes.

Draco: No you don�t you love us you think of us everyday!

QD: *narrows eyes* So what!? You still piss me off.

Harry: Calm down QD we�re sorry we laughed...

Draco: I�m not.

QD: *glares*

Harry: But you have to admit that was funny?

QD: *grins* Yeah it was kinda funny, wrong, but funny.

Harry: Just promise you�ll never write a story like that.

QD: Gods no that�s just wrong! I don�t write het sex for one thing and for another, FILCH! YUCK!

Draco: What about The Dark Lord? He�s no prize either.

QD: Not if he�s in his snake like form no, but I could always use Tom Riddle from the diary or have him regain his looks from before he took the rebound AK. He was hot back then... or so we�re told.

Harry: *looks thoughtful* Do you think Filch was ever good looking?

Draco: That�s really not something that bares thinking about *shudders*

Harry: Oh come on he had to have be young once didn�t he? He may have been good looking at one time. What do you think QD?

QD: Well....*is interrupted by shuffling and banging coming from one of the doors*

*Last door flings open and Lucius, Severus, Sirius and Remus stumble out in robes covered in love bites, various dessert toppings and with their hair in disarray*

QD: *raises eyebrow* Um is there a problem gentleman?

Snape: *brushes hair from his face and steps forward* It came to my attention while we involved in our....activities, that there had been no contraceptive potions on the table and none of us had thought to use a spell.

QD: *grins* And?

Snape: *scowls* And I am quite aware of your love of male pregnancy!

Sirius: *looks ill*

Remus: *looks worried*

Lucius: *looks fit to kill* If I discover myself to be pregnant you are going to find out why I was such a high ranking deatheater!

QD: *snorts out laughter* Guys look at the warnings. Does it say mpreg? *points to top of the fic*

All: *look up then sigh in relief*

QD: *bursts out laughing* Y-you guys should have s-seen the l-looks on your faces! Oh-oh gods! Th-they were pr-price-less! *falls over*

Snape: *pulls wand*

QD: *straitens up and narrows eyes* Do it and you�ll find yourself as Hagrids bitch in a drabble!

Snape: *eyes widen in horror and quickly puts away wand*

Lucius: And I thought the Dark Lord was cruel.

QD: You don�t know the half of it buddy.

Snape: *looks apprehensive* You would not actually write such a thing would you? I am your favorite after all.

QD: No Sev I wouldn�t do that to you, or Hagrid for that matter. But I will not tolerate being hexed is that clear?

Snape: Crystal.

QD: Good, now go have fun and don�t worry about anyone getting knocked up or anything like that. *makes shooing motion*

All: *start to file back trough door*

Sirius: *stops* You promise that none of us are gonna end up preggers?

QD: Yes, I swear on my mint condition hard back covered copy of �Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows�. *places one hand on book and other hand over heart*

Sirius: Alright *turns toward door but stops and stares at door Ron disappeared into* Hey, you said there would be no mpreg but what about just preg?

QD: Uh... *looks up at warnings* well I didn�t put preg up there so I wouldn�t worry about it.

Sirius: *nods* Okay I just wanted to make sure. I would feel guilty if Ron knocked up Hermione. The kid can barely remember to get dressed in the morning he doesn�t need kids.

QD: Agreed. I love the guy but he is a bit dense.

Sirius: *nods* Alright see you guys later there�s a toy in there I�m dying to use on Lucius! *rushes trough door*

Draco: I did not need to hear that! *looks ill*

Harry: Ugh yeah I think I may have been scared for life.

QD: *looks at harry�s forehead*

Harry: Not that kind of scar! I meant mentally!

QD: Oh come on it�s not like you actually saw them using the toy, hell you don�t even know what toy he was talking about. For all you know he could have meant a feather, there are some of those in there.

Harry: I know Sirius and I doubt he would go for anything as tame as a feather.

QD: *pokes head in door* Wow! Draco your dad is really flexible and Harry was right ol� Padfoot is a kinky bugger, Lucius doesn�t seem to mind though.

Draco: *pulls QD back into the room and slams the door* Listen closely you perverted freak. I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.KNOW! UNDERSTAND!

QD: Alright Draco chill, I�m sorry...... but I didn�t think that position even was possible.

Draco: *starts rocking back and forth* la la la I can�t hear you la la la!

Harry: Is he gonna be okay?

QD: Yeah he�ll be fine in a minute, in the mean time what did you think of �Deathly Hallows� and the 5th movie?

Harry: *watches Draco rock for a minute more* Hmm? Oh, well I liked �Deathly Hallows� except for all the deaths and the ending, of course. It wasn�t even that I ended up with Ginny that bothered me, after all it was pretty clear that�s where J.K. was going, but the names of our kids !

QD: I know they sucked big time. You�d think J.K. would have put a little more effort into picking out good names.

Draco: *regains composer* I don�t know I thought she did well picking my child�s name. Scorpius Malfoy, it has a nice ring to it.

QD: Yeah your kid had a good name.

Ron: *walks out of door grinning stupidly and looking shagged out*
Who�s kid? What are you all talking about?

Harry: We�re talking about the 7th book and our kids names. Mine and Ginny�s were dreadful but we agreed that Draco�s kid�s name was pretty good.

Ron: Yeah I hate to admit it but Malfoy�s kid got the best name of the lot, but Harry you really can�t complain at least you know how many kids you had. I have no idea how many me and �Mione ended up with!

QD: Yeah that�s just one of the many unanswered questions J.K. left us with.

Ron: What do you mean?

QD: You know all the stuff she left out, like what happened to people in between Voldy�s death and the epilogue.

Ron: *looks confused*

Harry: You know like, Who raised Teddy?

Draco: Who did I marry?

Harry: When did I marry Ginny?

Draco: What happened to my parents?

Harry: Neville is the new Herbology Professor but what happened to Sprout and did he get married?

Draco: Did Luna�s father get out of Askaban ok and what happened to Luna herself?

George: Why�d I have to lose and ear?!

Fred: Why�d I have to die and not that ponce Percy?!

Harry: Why did Hedwig have to die and Dobby too?!

Draco: What happened to Moody�s body and why didn�t they question that bint Umbridge to find it?

Remus: Why did she have to kill off me and Tonks leaving poor Teddy an orphan!?

Sirius: Did they ever clear my name?!

Snape: Was I ever forgiven for being forced to kill Albus!?

QD: Why the fucking hell did she kill off Severus!?!?!?!?

All: *Stare in shock at fuming author*

QD: I mean how fucking cruel can you be?! The poor guy was abused as a child, lost his mother, was bullied relentlessly in school, was nearly killed by a werewolf, he was shunned by his one true love in favor of his worst enemy, ended up unintentionally causing the death of said true love and enemy, was forced into serving two masters that never appreciated him, he was force to teach students who hated him and who he hated in return and who had no respect for him or his art, he was forced to train the son of his enemy and lost love which was a constant reminder of what he had done and lost not to mention the boy hated him, then he was forced to deal with two people whom he loathed and who had tortured him as a child and was expected to �get along� with them and brew a bloody potion for one of them, then he was forced to swear to kill his mentor if his GODSON could not do it, then he has to kill his mentor and run and everyone hates him for it, after all that he still puts his life on the line to help Harry find out how to kill the Dark lord and in the end what happens!?!?! He is killed by the bastard�s fucking snake! Not only that but as he was laying there bleeding to death on the dirty floor of the shack he had nearly become werewolf chow in as a child, with the last of his strength he manages to give Harry memories that with help him fulfill his destiny and that show his sacrifices for the cause. That show he was always loyal, that show he was willing to die even though he though that everything he had worked so hard to protect and train, Harry, was going to die and it all would be for nothing. Who cares if Harry killed the Dark Lord he had made a promise to protect him and in the end he was sure that, that promise was going to be broken. He died with those thoughts on his mind still shunned and hated on a dirty floor with only a boy whom he had hated but sworn to protect with him. He never got any happiness in his life, never! *chokes on sob* And Gods dammit he deserved happiness! *starts to cry but is trying to cover it by coughing*

Snape: *looks shocked*

Lucius: Now, now there is no need for tears. After all Severus shall always live as long as there is a fanfiction writer out there that cares for him. *pats QD on shoulder*

QD: *sniffs* I know, that�s one reason I started writing because I wanted to give Sev some happiness in his life. I wanted to surround him with people who love, respect and understand him.

Snape: I thank you for that. I really hadn�t thought of how much sadness was in my life until you laid it all out before us. I truly enjoy all that you have given me in your stories, though sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming.

QD: *chuckles* What�s wrong don�t you want two lovers and three kids?

Snape: *snorts* Truthfully I could do without the three children but I do enjoy the two lovers, even if they are Gryffindors.

Sirius: You love us for it Sev face it.

Snape: *huffs*

Remus: Oh come on Severus we�re not that bad.

Snape: I suppose not. *smirks* And I truly enjoy being top in the relationship.

Sirius: Yeah what�s with Snape never having to bottom?!

QD: I don�t like him as a bottom. After all he has been treated like a bitch all his life I�m not going to make him one in my fics too. I love him too much for that.

Snape:*smirks*

Sirius: *pouts* That is so unfair, my life hasn�t been all peaches and cream you know.

QD: Yeah but at least you�re always alive in my stories.

Sirius: True.

Draco: What about that one WIP you�re working on? You killed off just about everyone but me and Harry.

Snape: Even me?

QD: *looks at feet* Yeah.....I�m sorry it fits for the fic I needed Harry to be really sad and Draco too, so I had to kill off most of their loved ones.

Draco: Most!?! You killed off all of mine!

QD: Okay different topic. The 5th movie loved it? Hated it? Sirius your thoughts?

Sirius: *blinks* Uh.. Well it was okay, I mean the special effects were good and the acting wasn�t bad but they left a lot out.

QD: That�s what I thought too.

Sirius: Yeah not even a mention of my Mother�s portrait! That bloody thing drove us mad through the whole fifth book and they didn�t even mention it!

Harry: They did show Kreature though.

Sirius: *snorts humorlessly* Yeah couldn�t have a movie without that little creep.

QD: They had to show him because he�ll be needed in the 7th movie...if they ever get to it.

Ron: Course they will they�ve come this far why not finish it?

QD: Guess your right.....Hey what happened with Granger?

Ron: *eyes widen* Bugger I forgot to untie her! *runs through door*

QD: *turns to twins* And what happened to Blaise?
Twins: *look at each other* Well..he was feeling....a bit tired... so we thought... we�d let him rest for a bit...Seamus thought a kip was good idea too.

QD: Ah I see. *looks at the older wizards* I know Hagrid will be occupied for awhile longer but why are you guys out here?

Snape: We are not seventeen any longer we require rest in between our trysts.

QD: *rolls eyes* That�s what the restorative potions are for.

Lucius: *leers* Yes but we were wondering if you would like to join us for round two?

QD: *glares* I told you Malfoy I don�t do OC�s! How many times must I say this?

Lucius: *waves off* Yes, yes you said you would not participate but, you never said you could not watch.....

QD: *eyes glaze over* um yeah I-I never said that did I?

Snape: *purrs out* Well then, shall we?

QD: Hell yeah!

Draco: Oi! What about me and Harry?

QD: *blinks* Oh sorry! *waves hand and a final door appears* Go have fun I made that one like the Room of Requirement it with give you whatever you ask it for. Thanks for humoring me, see ya! *runs through door after Severus*

Harry: Mental that one.

Draco: Ugh don�t talk like Weasley you�ll put me off sex!

Harry: *circles arms around Draco�s waist and nuzzles his neck* Love I don�t think anything could put you off sex.

Draco: Mmm... There is one thing.

Harry: *nibbles Draco�s ear* What�s that.

Draco: *shivers from Harry nibbling on his ear* Granger.

Harry: *draws back and shudders* Why�d you have to go there?

Draco: Sorry but I had to prove my point. Now lets go see what that room can do. If I�m forced to be bottom you are going to worship ever single inch of my body Potter.

Harry: *grins and salutes* Yes sir! *picks Draco up bridal style and kicks open door*

Draco: *laughs* Eager much Potter?

Harry: For you Love? Always.

Draco: *smiles softly* I knew there was a reason I loved QD. *kisses Harry gently*

Harry: *pulls back* Why�s that?

Draco: Because in every single story fished or WIP, QD always makes you so marvelously sweet and caring toward me. I can never get tried of that.

Harry: *smiles* Yeah that is definitely a perk. *leers* That and the great sex!

Draco: *laughs* Yeah that too. Now why don�t we get to some of that.

Harry: Anything you say Love.

Draco: Hmmm anything.......

END

~*~*~*~*~a couple of hours later~*~*~*~*~
Narcissa: Wait have you ended I�ve only just gotten here?

QD: *stumbles out of door looking flushed* Oh hello Mrs. Malfoy

Narcissa: Um hello, who are you?

QD: *looks offended* quite_demented!

Narcissa: Oh yes, your that author person

QD: *huffs* yeah. Is there something you wanted or are you just here to hang out? Cause if it�s the latter the fic�s supposed to be over so...

Narcissa: *waves off comment* Yes I saw that but I need a word with you

QD: sure what�s up?

Narcissa: Why do I suddenly find myself divorced and dating this Professor Vector person?

QD: *blushes* Oh uh well it�s kind of a long story...*looks at door*

Narcissa: *raises eyebrow* ..... *looks from door to QD* Ah I see, you wished to play with my husband and he refused while married so you saw to it that we were divorced then had your way with him?

QD: NO!....Well not exactly. Yes I wanted him to play but not with me. And anyway it was more to distract them all see. *points to earlier dialogs*

Narcissa: Oh I see he wished to play with Severus. *nods understandably* You know you didn�t have to give Lucius and I a divorce to allow that.

QD: What do you mean?

Narcissa: Surely with the number of fanfictions you have read you are familiar with the idea of Lucius being bisexual? You could simply have made Lucius bisexual and made me be very understanding and excepting and had me allow him to play. Provided of course that I get to watch...

QD: Ha! I like your style, one minute.
*QD pokes head trough door*

QD: Hey Lucius you and Cissa are back together and you�re Bi. She just gave her permission for you to play as long as she gets to watch. We�ll be in, in a minute so you guys take a couple potions and be ready! *pulls head back out*

Narcissa: Why are we waiting?

QD: I wanted to see if you had any other suggestions?

Narcissa: *looks thoughtful* Well I don�t really have any suggestions but I do have a request.

QD: What�s that?

Narcissa: I noticed that this fiction has no warning for male pregnancy but I so want a grandchild and Draco would look lovely pregnant.....

QD: Well you did give me a good suggestion for Lucius so... *waves hand*
.:WARNING MPREG FOR THE H/D PAIRING!:.
QD: There you go

Narcissa: Oh how wonderful. How long will it take to take affect?

*high pitched shriek and loud banging coming from behind one of the doors*

QD: Oh about that long

*Harry and Draco run out of the room in robes*

Draco: Why the hell did a blue light just engulf my stomach when Harry came!?!?!?!

QD: *points to Narcissa then to the new warning* Congratulations it�s a boy!

Harry: *faints*

Draco: *shrieks* MOTHER! Why in Merlin�s name did you ask for this!?!

Narcissa: Oh Draco calm yourself it�s not as if you are going to have the child in this fiction.

QD: *gets thoughtful look* Hmm well....

Draco: *looks horrified* You wouldn�t!

QD: *gives evil grin*

Draco: Don�t you dare you mother fu....
*nine mouths later!*
Draco: Gods I hate you, you sadistic b-AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Poppy: That�s it push Mr. Malfoy-Potter you�re almost there

Harrry: You�re doing so well Love I�m so proud of you!

Draco: *pulls Harry�s face close* You.Are.Never.Touching.Me.Again!

Narcissa: Oh he doesn�t mean that Harry dear I said the same thing to Lucius when I was delivering Draco.

Lucius: Yes and you stood by the decision for nearly a year

Harry: *pales then grimaces* AH! Love you�re crushing my hand!

Draco: *grits teeth* Be happy that�s all I�m cushing!

QD: *looks green* If I would have known mpreg childbirth looked like I would never have done that time jump. Uhg who knew someone�s anus could stretch that far?

Draco: As soon as I recover from this I am going to fucking kill you, you cock sucking, mother fuckAAHHHHH!

*cries fill the room*

Poppy: Congratulations young man you�ve given birth to a perfectly heathy little boy!

Narcissa: *gasps* Oh Draco he�s beautiful.

Harry: He�s perfect just like you Love *is crying silently*

Draco: *chokes out* Let me see him

Poppy: *warps up baby and hands to Draco*

Draco: Hey there little one I�m your Papa. *chuckles* It seems you�ve inherited your Daddy�s hair.

Snape: Poor child

Remus and Sirius: *smack Severus in the back of the head*

QD: Aww he�s too cute! Now I really gotta hurry on SR I want to see more babies!

Snape,Remus and Sirius: *look dismayed*

Draco: *looking down in awe at his and Harry�s son* What should we name him?

QD: How about Malcolm I�ve always been partial to that name?

Harry: *nods* I like it. What do you think Love?

Draco: *looks down at baby thoughtfully and nods*
Yes I like it. How about Malcolm Severus?

QD: Malcolm Severus Malfoy-Potter? Hmm yeah, has a nice ring to it.

Harry: Sounds good to me

Draco: *looks at QD* Okay maybe I won�t kill you.
But...next time you get the urge to make me pregnant and do a time jump, jump to after the labor!

QD: *grins* Where�s the fun in that?

Draco: I really hate you!

QD: Oh shut up and give your son a bottle before I decide he needs to be breast fed

Draco: *glares but grabs offered bottle* Just end the bloody fic already!

QD: Fine, fine!
AN: Well there you go hope you guys liked it. Oh and the bit about handing off my story I might be tempted, repeat might. I don�t know yet it depends on my muse and it�s willingness to corporate with me. That and if I can get an author with a writing style similar to mine who doesn�t mind being told what to write and posting under my name. So it looks doubtful, might as well ignore that I suggested it at all, it�s just going to take me forever and a day to finish SR *sighs* oh well. Please R and R people, it is appreciated hell I�ll even take flames it is getting cold after all *smirks*. See ya!

quite_demented
P.S. You are all welcome to try and guess my gender and sexual preference if you wish, it was just a joke of mine since I never said what it was in any of my author look ups. I gave you several hints. I look forward to your guesses!
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