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Reviews for Dark Lord and Lady

By : LoverofDarkness
  • From ANON - Tikd on August 14, 2016

    couldn't finish the first chapter because of the writing..switching mid paragraph to first and third person..annoying!


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  • From ANON - Grace on November 14, 2014
    This story has a lot of potential but right now it's very choppy. The choppiness is probably because of all the second person (yous). If you make the mysterious POV third person and fix the character POV into 1st person you could have a really good story. I like the subject and tags and the type of stuff you have written isn't bad. You just need to work on the formatting, and such. Maybe start with a scene about the dreams. They seem to come out of nowhere and are confusing. All in all you have a lot of potential.I know you haven't updated since 2007 put if you were going to, you have the potential for an amazing story.
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  • From magentasouth on June 18, 2010
    ok... first off - the name is LUCIUS. its not hard to google if you arent sure of the spelling. a manor is a large residence. a manner is a trait or behavior of a person. then.. your story is incoherent. one second you are speaking in first person perspective using 'I did x'.. then you switch to using 'You did x' while still apparently speaking about the same person.. then you switch to an eye of god perspective suddenly for no apparent reason and then back to the I's and You's. its not just that your plot isnt plausibly sold (and its not. not one single character behaves as that character is conceived of in canon. not ONE.) but they are also internally inconsistent - e.g. apparently hermione is more powerful than the dark lord yet she is incapacitated by potter and weasely, who she herself considers incompetent and who are each seperately and together certainly less powerful than voldemort. uh.. what?
    and also - hermione goes to see the dark lord in a freaking tube top and silver mini skirt - not only is that terrible fashion sense but.. um.. WHAT?? hermione isnt lavender brown and probably even lavender brown wouldnt wander about in that getup.
    sigh.. there arent enough LV/HG stories so its hard not to force myself to keep reading this anyway but i know if i do its just going to irritate the crap out of me more as i continue.
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  • From Phiana on October 16, 2009
    loved it!!!!
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  • From hottie on January 30, 2008
    This is a good story. It confuses me on some parts because one sentence you will be using third person point of view, then the next you use 1st person, and then a few words down you start using the word you. I do like this story and im not flaming or anything, im just advising that maybe you should start trying to keep to the same point of view unless otherwise stated. But again i do like the story so far
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  • From LisaJean on January 28, 2008
    I like the concept of your story; however, the shifting second person point of view makes it awkward and hard to follow. You might want to consider keeping it in an omnicscient third person, so that shifts can happen smoothly for the reader. I know that criticism is hard to take but that is how we grow as authors, and if something is hard to read, people won't read it. I hope you'll revise so that we readers can enjoy this story.
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  • From voldemortsgrl on January 22, 2008
    more please.
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  • From Heidi191976 on September 28, 2007
    This is an excellent story. I hope that there is more to come. Please update soon.
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  • From ElementalDemonessSorceress on August 27, 2007
    I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?
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  • From Legomygrego19 on August 16, 2007
    YIKES
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  • From ladynightvamp on August 02, 2007
    I love this story
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  • From on July 02, 2007
    First off i'd like to say that if you can't take critism then you don't need to be writing because your writing is absolutly deplorable. Your whole structure of the story is confusing and too fast. Slow it down, write from one POV (Hermione's), and get a beta. Other then that you have a great idea for a plot.(Maybe you should think about making challenges for other writers... hint hint)
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  • From throughvioleteyes on March 31, 2007
    I really like this story. You have a good plotline and it's moving at a good pace. The only complaint that I have is the way you write the POV's. They should be written in the first-person (I.E. I saw a cat.) not in the second person (I.E. You saw a cat.)
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  • From bronte on March 29, 2007
    Well, I was planning on just writing a review of your first paragraph. But then you wrote your little disclaimer, and so I'm tempted to start a review of the whole freaking chapter.

    First of all, it's really poor taste to include paragraph headings saying things like "Mysterious Narrator" or "First Person Narrator." A truly good story teller will be able to tell a story without such auto-reflexivity.

    First Paragraph:

    You need to capitalize the word "Slytherin," since it's a proper noun. And you should decide whether you mean to say "some Slytherins" or "a Slytherin."

    After interjections like "well," it is conventional to include a comma.

    The group of words that begins "Well now the other side has me" is a so-called "run-on sentence." It would not be inappropriate for you to end the sentence with "I belonged there." Then you could start a new sentence with "Now he has me." But then you'll need to start another sentence when you get to "he will hate me." And I know you're trying to be vague and "mysterious" with your pronouns, but it's really confusing because the reader doesn't know whether you're talking about Tom or Harry.

    The plural noun "others" does not need an apostrophe, since you are not trying to indicate possession.

    I'm really trying to convince myself that it would be pointless for me to mention that ending a sentence with a preposition is generally frowned upon in educated literature. Yes, this is a smut site, but grammar still exists.

    Again, a good writer doesn't need to use stage directions in between asterices to indicate a change in setting.

    Second paragraph:

    I think you meant to say "when I WAS close enough..."

    "Who" is a singular pronoun in the first sentence, so you need to use a singular verb. Or you can use the plural conjugation and change the subject of that claus to "the people that were speaking."

    If you can possibly avoid it, you should really avoid referring to your characters as "person 1." If you absolutely must refer to them "anonymously," then say "the first person." But saying "1st person" or "2nd person" is just as tacky as saying "person 1" or "person B."

    Use commas within your dialogue quotations as needed. For example, the first person's dialogue quotation should end with, "'...I don
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  • From RoseEvans on March 12, 2007
    I have read all 8 chap. and I LOVED each one of them. I'm a SS/HG type of preson but I wanted something diffrent. Please update soon.
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