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Reviews for Promising Submission

By : knj4k4
  • From on February 24, 2009
    i like it
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  • From sanda on February 24, 2009
    good chapter
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  • From sanda on February 22, 2009
    good chapter
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  • From Orkchild on February 18, 2009
    MORE I LOVE WHERE THIS IS GOING - REMEMBER THAT NARCISSUS IS INTO THIS TOO.
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  • From alma on February 16, 2009
    Looking really good, I like where the story is heading.
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  • From danawarner on February 15, 2009
    J-C should be careful. Harry doesn't like to be manipulated and he's used to being in charge.
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  • From sanda on February 15, 2009
    good story
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  • From Orkchild on February 14, 2009
    more, more more. combining my 2 favorite fandoms

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  • From Icis1984 on February 13, 2009
    Please tell me you are going to update this story. So many Anita Blake/Harry Potter stories go up but no one updates them anymore. It really looks good and can't wait to see more.
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  • From lilyrose242 on February 13, 2009
    omg! more more more please!!!
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  • From Secretx3 on February 12, 2009
    This has a lot of promise, but the beta in me will not let me let this go with just those words.

    1. Inside this chapter, it was split up into three chapters. You should separate the chapter using your separations, so that the reading isn't too much and so that the reader can finish one chapter and then not have to go looking through the whole piece to find the 2nd or the 3rd.

    2. A) Harry is border-line Gary-Stue. He's descended from Gryffindor, Slytherin, Merlin AND LeFay. There isn't even a good reason for it, it's just there "just because". The rule that I usually use for inheritance fics is this: No more than two blood-lines unless there is a good reason. The reason is because when you have more than one line, the author has to split the lines up between the parents and Lily IS a muggle-born, no matter what the author wants. Of course, you could always make Lily a pureblood, or descending from a line of squibs. But if you do the former, then you have to come up with a reason and a history and all this other stuff and then it just gets annoying. So I usually tell the authors to pick two, make them the ancestors of the Potters (have them married into the Potter line) and move on.

    2. B) Harry is too powerful, too quick. You have him knowledgeable in Warding, Wandless magic, Legilimancy, Ancient Runes, most ancient languages, Arithmancy, Occlumency and Animagus transformation. All of this is after a couple of months, so not even touching a year. On top of all of that, he's also in tip-top perfectly "toned" shape. Do you see where I'm getting with this? I had the same problem with my story, Celeste, but my one reviewer pointed out that I was moving too quickly.

    The thing is, your body cannot be toned in a couple of months, you need at least a year to get it that way. Or you could cheat and use a "time-collapsible" room or something like that. Where the time that passes within the area goes by quicker than outside.

    [He can train for 2 months in the area and have only a day pass in the real world.] This would make it more believable.

    Again, for all that magic, you could have had him use the "time-collapsible" room/compartment/thing. Wandless magic, I can see being able to master in a month or two. There are ways to cheat the animagus training, which is supposed to take 3-4 years to complete.

    [Use a potion to find your form and make that connection, then 2-3 months on transforming your body to that animal]. But Harry is absolute shit at Occlumency. So you need to come up with a more believable explanation for that.

    [Figuring out that there was something wrong with his mindscape/core and fixing it. Or that he needed to be able to access his full power before being able to occlude his mind. He needed a better teacher, but that would still need 2-3 months.]

    Harry's never taken Ancient Runes or Arithmancy and doesn't know shit about Warding. Each subject would need a year or two to get down the specifics. He could get the basic outline of the three subjects in a month, and be able to do minor things for each. But he'd need 2-3 years to get down the specifics (especially for ancient runes). Then there' all the different types of Warding.

    Do you have any idea how hard languages are to learn? Especially if you don't know a sister language? I mean, if you're already fluent in Spanish, it's pretty easy to pick up French because of the parallels between the language. Also, it usually takes either 4 years of learning, or being pushed into the country with language your learning with no English to help you. You'd still need a couple of months up to a year to get it down pat. So keeping this in mind, having Harry learn A COUPLE languages is pretty far fetched. Factor in the fact that they're ANCIENT (ie,DEAD) languages, makes it even further from the realm of possibility, especially because of all the other things he has to do on top of this (Chores, practicing fighting/dueling, learning the other subjects, Animagus, training) doesn't really give him a whole lot of room to spend on all the different areas.

    3. Everything is kind of crunched, try to spread it out. Now that it's been written down and put out, that stress has been taken care of. Now sit down with a beta and look over it and revise it. There's a lot of promise, but you'll need to spread out the information and let the fic BREATHE before that promise is reached.

    If you need any help, feel free to e-mail me at ambiguous.ending@yahoo.com. I'd be more than glad to be your beta. I'm actually working on some guides that'll be touching on the things I've been talking to you about. I hope you take my comments for what they are, constructive criticism and use them to help you make this better, because this has the potential to be REALLY REALLY GREAT! Anyway, with all the technicalities out of the way, let's get down to the best part... praise!!:)

    OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!! I love you, I love you, I love you!! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a new HP/ABVH slash fanfic and you've answered my prayers!! And what's better, ANITA'S NOT WITH ALL HER GUYS!! I'm sorry, but the best HP/ABVH fic is Inevitable, and while it's writing is great, I HATE THE PAIRINGS SO MUCH!! I JUST WANTED TO SHOOT MYSELF WHEN I READ IT! It's canon for the Anita-verse, so pretty much it's Anita being a whore, and then it's Harry/Ginny/Luna... eww. Where's the slash? Then there's Black Magic under the Moonlight, which is Harry/Draco. What's the point of a x-over if you don't pair Harry up with one of the Anita guys? Besides, Nathaniel and Micah are my favorites. I always did like kitties. Though I love Richard too, not enough people give him credit (Hamilton included).

    Anyway, I hope you continue on with this. I look forward to seeing the future of this fic and am excited to find out what's going to happen next!
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  • From danawarner on February 12, 2009
    Wow. I didn't expect Anita to be killed so quietly.
    BTW: why are you calling Nathaniel a panther? He's a were-LEOPARD
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  • From Tourette on February 12, 2009
    I would really love to read more
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